BREATHE 2004

Left Behind

2004-12-31T09:44:00.000+08:00

I gazed to the sky and found a star which shined so bright like a spotlight beaming on me. Then, I looked around and saw flashes of lights- blurred visions of faces. Some faces were familiar to me but some remained to be just faces. Nevertheless, they were all moving so rapidly that by simply watching them come from all directions made me nauseus.

I extended my arm to the highway of lights as one normally hails a cab. Nobody stopped. I frantically grabbed on to anything I saw hoping to get a piece of them so that I could say someday that they have been a part of me and I have been a part of them. To my dismay and disappointment, my hand returned nothing but air.

My sight becomes hazy. I closed my eyes and opened it again. Tears fell.

Now, it is clear. An ideal set-up: an acquaintance becomes a friend then a special friend. But in the real "crazy mixed up" world, an acquaintance could be a lover; a friend would just be a friend; and a special friend could be a secret enemy.

C'est la vie. People come and go.

I searched the sky for my star but it's no longer to be found. Dark clouds worsens the already gloomy night.

peace and contentment

2004-12-24T02:26:00.000+08:00

"...Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me-

put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you...

... I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,

whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength."(NIV)

Philippians 4: 5-13

Let us be reminded (most specially me) of these Words

if we feel anxious about the path we're pursuing or we plan to chase.

Let us pray for contentment in trying times like this

but it shouldn't refrain us from asking Him

the desires of our hearts.

God bless us, pips! :-D

Hungry Young Puwets

2004-12-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

For the past two weeks, I have suffered from spiritual anorexia. I forcefully denied myself of nutritious meals but thrived on leftover and junk food alone. Now, I think I have ulcer.

Satan guffaws in victory but not too fast, cunning a**hole!

The desire to eat and be fed has not left me. I must admit though that it felt good to be bad once again- even if it was only in thoughts. All those nights I cried for help camouflaged in a smirk or a cackle but really didn’t want any aid or attention.

My stomach growls in starvation. I shall eat once more and hope that this time the joy endures forever.

Thanks for your SILENCE!

LAMENTATION

2004-12-12T13:25:00.000+08:00

something I wrote before

which perfectly captures what I am feeling right now...

gloomy afternoon, september 26, 2004

room 5, guesthouse UCCP C.D.O.

Isang iglap, buhay ko'y nabalot ng kadiliman.

Nalaman ko na lamang na ako'y piniringan at

ninakawan ng kakayanang sumipat ng kagandahan.

Lumingon ako sa mga taong lumipas...

tila wala akong narating, maliban sa bangin.

Buhay kong walang saysay, napakasaklap!

Hiling kong makita muli ang kulay ng buhay.

Hiling na madama ang galak ng nakakakita,

nakaririnig, nakaaamoy, nakalalasa, nakadarama.

Parang awa mo na't buhayin ang nasang mabuhay.

Tulungan mo akong masilayan muli ang bahag-haring

PANGAKO ng MAYKAPAL

Chopseuy

2004-12-07T14:56:00.000+08:00

Flashback: Before I started the trek anew, I have already gotten rid of the unnecessary baggage. I battled monsters. But I guess, as soon as I cleared some space, it was immediately filled up by new issues (or the old ones just mutated into something else).

Barely a month of my journey to Jordan but I am already catching my breath. No, the trip was not thorny- not even rocky. In fact, I was walking on rose petals most of the times. But something about those cold nights bit me and woke me from dreaming. In the stillness of the night, I found myself shivering… lost… and alone. Numbness was all over me.

I want to close my eyes—again— then, just hope for a shot of ecstasy (not the “pill”) to at least keep me from falling rock bottom—again.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sometimes, life just frustrates me. Why do I have to walk when I can fly?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The rain shall fall again tonight. And while the rain falls I shall run away and find solace in my solitude.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh, Lord, here I go again- an empty cup. Fill me with your overflowing love. Where are you?

Saying 'Hi' to Jordan (23)

2004-11-19T09:38:00.000+08:00

"In everything, give thanks!"

Thank you Lord for my 22nd year of existense.

You showered me with countless blessings: PHILEX Caravan, my graduation, my first job, air/water/land trips to different places (Camiguin, Misamis, Batangas, Mindoro), opportunities to explore other fields of interest (interior design, theater, photography), my mom, dad, sis, and nephew, new friends, deeper relationships with old friends, gastronomic adventures, music ministry (choir and band), Sean's first birthday, the rest of your creations, and so on.

With these, you allowed some things to happen to spice up my life: disagreements between me and my family at times, long wait for my first job, finding out that the job's not for me, feling lost after that, my rebellion, depression, death wish, nanay's cancer, plenty of temptaions, sins, and so much more.

Yeah. It has not all been smiles and laughters. There were moments when you shook me up were I was standing. Thank you for letting me cry out to you, cry on your shoulder, and be weak. If not for these spices, I would have not grown immensely as a person- more importantly as a Christian.

Now, I am 22. And I know that this year's journey is going to be one flavorful meal course-- sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and spicy... You are the Chef.

Onward to 23.

Big hug for my big dad!

;p

Hibik at Himagsik Nina Victoria Lactaw

2004-11-16T15:12:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is going to be the re-staging of this play at the Cultural Center of the Philippines (CCP- not Central Colleges of the Philippines) and I am going to be a part of it- i'll be one of the taumbayan .

How I got in? Well... I didn't have to audition, whatsoever. Sir Alex (the director) was looking for a bass and there I was at the right place and at the right time. It was indeed a blessing! Before that, I prayed for an activity that would keep me busy as I await the unfolding of God's plan.

I passively enjoyed every rehearsal. I had always sat at the far back side of the room (that of the CRL Choir room during music rehearsals and that of the Teatro Hermogenes Ylagan during play rehearsals) while I watched the professionals do their thing. Most of those times, I was in a trance caused by disbelief. I really never expected to be acting on stage (at least for this). All I wanted was to sing with the pit choir (just like Soul Singer's stint with the 2001 production of Fame the Musicale). I asked for something simple but God gave me something so grand! Let me just clear- I am not complaining.

It's going to be a big day, at least for an amateur like me. I'm oozing with excitement! I hope y'all could watch. I have my split-second "moments" but nothing fancy.

All of these are for God's greater glory.

Isko na naman

2004-11-12T05:17:00.000+08:00

Talk about starting my day weird. First, I woke up real early today at around 6:30. I bathed for only 10 minutes. Then, I was ready to go at 6:50. WHOA!!! 20 minutes compared to the usual 1.5 hours preparation time.

The reason for this early and unusual start (besides the fact that Carlotta Toyota had to be out of Commonwealth by 7) was my return of the comeback as an Iskolar ng Bayan. YEAH!!! Am I hearing envious "buti pa sya..." from UP alumni and shrieks of unbelief from the magnas and summas (magna-nine years and summa-sampung taon nang nag-aaral)? Yes, I am studying again and no it's not a graduate course-- six units of ID (not Industrial Design but Interior Design).

Am I misleading my self? Did I just chicken out from real life and later sought for my comfort zone instead? But it feels good. Then again, one must not be dependent on feelings, right? (Why do I keep on contradicting myself?)

Anyway, I'm here at the infamous CASAA. Miss it like I do? It's relatively quiet here. I even saw one doing his quiet time and another taking his nap. This day seems to be full of weird unusual things which make me apprehensive yet overly excited.

One thing is for sure. God has a great plan for me that's why I'm back here. And it will be revealed I hope very soon. I'm doing all of these by faith.

May God bless me indeed.

San Juan, Carlotta, y Puerto Galera

2004-11-02T00:25:00.000+08:00

WARNING: This is a long entry. Enjoy!

I love travelling- discovering new places and wishing to come back for more!

These past days, I was blessed to tour and enjoy down south of Luzon.

SAN JUAN, Batangas

A hosting and singing stint (AS IF!) for a party (debut of js' sis) pulled us all the way to that "ala eh" el pueblo. Wearing my over-exposed black trenchcoat, creamy yellow sport jacket, and a tangerine tie to match the event's motiff (orange), I together with some amigos hosted the occasion, i.e. introduce countless names of the debutante's friends and relatives. It started with the cotillion, then the 18 roses. As the guests had seemed to act like children with ADHD, it was decided to open the chafing dishes. While the people were eating, some wanna be singers (including me) serenaded the debutante. I had the opportunity to sing the last serenade (an ugly rendition of "if i'm not in love w/ you") in time for the 18 balloons. After ten years, it was the turn of the 18 toasts. After 48 years (losyang na ang debutante- joke!), 18 treasures. Finally, 18 candles! Of course, the disco part wouldn't be left out! I didn't care less what music the dj played, I just danced the night away. WIPEEEEEE!!!

After an hour of nap, we headed to a beach in Barrio Hugom still in San Juan same shore as La Luz Beach Resort. I initially didn't want to swim (i was tired from the HATAW disco and was reserving my strength for the afternoon's long drive) but the big rock formations and the great beach were enough bribery. I just had to pay with some bruises on my fingers and feet (caused by sharp stone edges) and with some shades charcoaling of my skin.

CARLOTTA... tsk... tsk... tsk

I was tired from all those activities yet I still had to drive from Batangas to Diliman (around 3-4 hours). I never realized that my "vintage" car, Carlotta (1989 Toyota Crown), was far more tired than I was. Unlike me, she didn't have any fun but she still managed to transport us to Libis area until she suffered an asthma attack (or something worse than that). With God's grace, we still reached the Shell gas station for some first aid treatments. 30- 45 minutes after, Wheeler's Club was there to tow her to UP CRL.

The series of tsk..tsk..tsk didn't stop there... [the day before that while on our way to Batangas, i was apprehended (for the first time) for driving on the yellow lane which ended in me giving 2 purple roxas to those corrupt MMDA crocs (redundant ata)... for the record, i despise my self for being a part of that]... the following day, i received a phone call from Leslie that Carlotta got a ticket for illegal parking (tow away zone) which would later translate to another 200 bucks.

I just hope it ends there...

PUERTO GALERA

Earl Thursday morning around 5.30, we (ian, ket, and bobbie) headed for Galera to meet han and edel. Travelling on a Tritan bus from Cubao headed for Batangas pier, we rested our expectant hearts and tired brain cells from all the impromptu planning. We arrived at the pier 8.30 in time for the float of M/B Brian (a big vanca) to White Beach. 10 am, we finally set foot on this island. First on our agenda was breakfast. I had Cordon Bleu w/ potato salad for 150php (yes, i know... bad choice!). After a short break in our cottage, we traversed the western side of the beach for a swim. Big rocks (probably from erosion) gave a distinct appeal to that place. Despues the swimming and the sandcastle making, we scoured the eateries for some value lunch (price of commodities here are unbelievably high). Next activity was snorkeling.

It took me quite some time to get a little comfortable floating on a deep part of the sea. Until I saw God's majestic creations under the sea. It was like observing the busy Makati of the ocean. Real life "Finding Nemo" and "Shark tale" sans the Shark of course. Marvelous! I would like to do it again but I doubt if I'll ever be comfortable peering through the habitat of these hasang friends.

Back to White Beach, we, volleyball enthusiasts, had to play the sport on the sand or else the experience wouldn't be complete. Exhausting but whole lotta fun!

Dinner time. Cancer diet ito! Char-grilled dishes everywhere plus bayot cross-dressers waiters. It took centuries for them to serve our orders. Yum yum pero ang tagal!

Another day in Galera... Praise God! Muy pagod from yesterday's actividades, we woke up late. Han and Edel had already gone off the island. Budget conscious as we were, our breakfast was coffee (5 pesos hot water and 2 pesos for the styro cup) and bread while our lunch was rice and straight from the can (w/o heating) tuna and vienna sausage (Oo na, kawawa naman kami). That afternoon, we spent most of the time doing pictorials by the big rocks (i'll upload them as soon as I had them developed). The dinner was sooooooooo SARRRAP! Tilapia, pork kebab, talong at Coke (65 pesos ang 1.5 liter!!!!!!!)... Then, guitar sessions by the shore. THIS IS LIFE!

Saturday morning, we had to go back to Manila. We had to (wala nang pera e).

Someday, i'll come back to these places. Wish ko lang.......

Christian Duty

2004-10-23T08:05:00.000+08:00

I heard Him calling me so I answered.

19-22 October. Together with the rest of the UP CRL delegates (UPCYMians and CYFers), I joined the SWAT training conducted by the Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC) at the World of Life, Bgy. Perez, Calauan, Laguna (infamous for its former mayor- Mayor Sanchez) .

In this spriritual warfare when time's running out, i need to acquire all sorts of weapons and learn how to use them to attack the enemy and to defend myself against its assaults. This camp gave me a new ammunition and taught me how to fire it efficiently. Ultimately, it was not my strength which guided the attack but it was the power of the Holy Spirit.

I just found myself sharing His Gospel to someone I totally haven't known even before. I caught myself smiling several times as I shared my Christian walk with that old woman. I didn't realize until that time that I had been repressing myself the joy of sharing my awesome relationship with Him to the people around me. Now, I feel free!

I prayed for spiritual growth. Indeed, he gave me that and with it was greater responsibility.

This is my Christian duty and I implore you fellow believers to let yourselves be used by Him.

these dreams...

2004-10-19T04:01:00.000+08:00

sorry to disappoint you guys... but this Family First story will not dwell on why that night which started with full of expectations (of my own new car, own house & lot, 5000 gift certificates, or a mere gym bag) turned out to be a night of false hopes, disappointments, pride, harsh words, whatever you may want to call it basta naging UGLY! (you probably know the story anyway; if not, just ask han, ian, or js)

the good thing about that awful experience was that it helped me visualize my dreams... here they are!

i want to have my own: (HINT! HINT! it'll be my bday one month from now)

SLR cam
lomo cam
palm pilot
laptop
pad (condo unit)
Ford E150 (para kasya tanan)
exhibit of artworks
scholarship foundation
adoption house
restaurant
resort
lodging facility
hacienda with horses (horseback riding kahit kailan !)
baby honeybunch (yihee! inspired by the Starbucks love talks)

i want to be a/an:

barista
top event organizer (sought after sa sosyalan ng mga socialites)
world reknowned interior designer
architect
UP professor
missionary

i want to:

make artworks study FOREVER!!! (Masters, Ph. D.)
further studies abroad (few months lang)
design foodservice establishments, resorts, lodging facilities, houses, etc.
build my own designs
do concerts
sing (gigs, church choir)
join musicales
travel the world and stay in classy hotels
cruise the meditteranean and caribean
love and be loved
dream more
make my dreams a reality
inspire people to dream
make others' dreams come true
dream anew
surrender

Rio Diaz and that Puto Bumbong

2004-10-11T04:53:00.000+08:00

Things are getting better for me the past two weeks. But the weeks previous to those "silver lining behind the dark clouds" were just crazy. In fact, I had the obsession of dying (whatever way, I didn't care). CRAZY! STUPID (to rationalize that doing "it" will end all my miseries and start a life full of joy-heaven)!!! But life is soooooo goooooooodddd! Whatever trials, tests... WHATEVER!!! I wouldn't meddle with God's schedule of taking me back to His arms... but again if he says it's my time, i surely would not hesitate to jump into HIS train.

Last week, local tv stations were showing the expected yet still "unexpected" death of Rio Diaz. She knew that she was being called back to the headquarters but her zest for life had kept her asking THE BOSS for an overtime... and another OT... and then another. "Life is great!", she said. Indeed, she's right! But her buzzer had rung. Thanks to her inspiring Christian life.

I thought about how I was going to make this post and all these while I was savoring my ride on the LRT Purple line. It was my first time to enjoy this massive "puto bumbong" machine and I couldn't help but compare this with the karag-karag MRT. Everything about the Purple Line experience was a gem. Starting from the clean terminals and platforms, digital visuals (scheduled arrival of train, ETA), vendo machines, spacious coaches, accesibility, etc. The only thing that I didn't appreciate was the seats which seemed like a clone of the Tropical Hut benches. But who cares, right? At least, you wouldn't have to worry about sardine-packed ride and someone touching your bum then when you look back it's also a man- matching a smile with a meaningful wink (SCARY! lalo na pag may bigote).

Watch out for my "Family First (have you seen those guys in SM blocking your way)" post...

Life is good.... and it's going to get better! :-D

Monsters

2004-10-07T02:24:00.000+08:00

Sunday.
September 26.
I was early for the 10 am service.
Enlightening.
But the rest of the day was a party...
a pity party.
As one friend had put it,
"i found solace in my loneliness".
AYUDAME!
Muchas Gracias...
Gabii.
Adios CDO.
Hasta la vista.
Mañana, yo voy a volver a mi casa.
Casa, dulce casa.
It's time to face the monsters under my bed- monsters
that I had nurtured all these years.
It's time for them to go.
Avoid no more..........................

Humba Life

2004-10-05T02:24:00.000+08:00

25 September. 9 am. It was already bright and sunny outside. I intended to wake up earlier that day to catch the sun's glorious rise and commune with God by the beach. But the so called stress from city life and all of yesterday's travel had caught up on me. Perhaps, my wearisome spirit was just not too eager to see another day.

Camiguin is a haven for tourists but for a wandering spirit like me, it was a war zone. I was sure that by the end of that day, a lost soul would be terribly hurt if not... burning in hell. My defenses were down and I was absolutely helpless. Fortunately, that spirit greatly feared his creator. Thus, I fled the island of disillusions and sought refuge from the upbeat lifestyle of CDO- the city of golden friendships.

Yes. I was familiar with the city but to know exactly where the "spots" were and how to get there was an exag. Thanks to my virtual tour guide, jaja, who texted and directed me to the places where i needed to go. From the Agora bus terminal, I rode a jeepney to Lim Ket Kai so that I could buy a return ticket to Manila the following day, Sunday (hoping that I could still join the band and the choir for the Vesper Service). Too bad, all flights were fully booked so I had to settle for the only available Air Phil Manila bound flight on Monday 8:10 am. I then took a cab to the UCCP- CDO guesthouse to check-in. The room rate was 400 pesos/night. Quite expensive but at least the room was airconditioned with its own private t&b .

Never had a real meal yet so I ran to the nacalaban street (a foodservice block "monopolized" by the Padero clan).
I had Humba. I must say that it was way much better and different from the Manila eateries' version. After that rewarding late-lunch meal, I toured the next streets by feet. I got tired and decided to go back to my room. Before my nap, I had my musical devo then dozed off...

An empty stomach woke me up. I headed back to the Padero block for some barbecue al fresco. Good food yet affordable. I decided again to tour the city by feet to kill time. I was walking trying to follow a dancing beam light which I assumed would lead me to a party place. I walked still more. Then realized that I was back to Lim Ket Kai (several kilometers away from where I ate). Took a taxi back to nacalaban to meet jaja for a guided city tour of CDO's "quasi" nightlife (salamat kaayu to our driver- Maria Victoria Padero). Off we went overdrive... Lim Ket Kai (Greenbelt/Eastwood of CDO)... Cogon Market (a market in the middle of a big street). Divisoria (Riverbanks/UP Fair atmosphere- kainan ug ukay-ukay).

The night's highlight was the chat with Mr. Leo Cariño (kababata of jaja's daddy yo). INTERESTING stories!!! Hehe
I had beer which whapacked me minutes after the first gulp that's why everything after the chat was a blur.

All I knew was at 11:30 pm I logged out.

Camiguin (Mis)Adventures

2004-09-30T00:12:00.000+08:00

Last week, I decided that it was time to finally have time and start finding myself.

Where else is the best place to find solitude and solace but the island of Camiguin!

Without much planning, I flew to Cagayan de Oro City via Air Phil last Friday 8:30 in the morning. Arriving there shortly after 10 a.m., I didn't know what next step to take. Taxi drivers were following me like mad stalkers ushering me into their respective cabs. I finally got rid of them by telling them that there was someone who would be fetching me. After a daing na bangus breakfast at one of the eateries by the airport, it was time to go and conquer Camiguin.

The ride via taxi (the only means to travel from the airport) was surreal. Being able to personally see the SM Cagayan de Oro, the Ororama billboard, and other famous spots from Ian's and other Bisaya friends' stories brought smiles to my face. Less than an hour after, I boarded a de luxe bus in Agora bound to Butuan. I was so sleepy but I tried to stay awake so as not to miss the view and more importantly not miss my stop in Balingoan pier. I had two hours of battle with sleep, good thing I got help from the powerful wind which stretched my face beyond its limit. The bus stopped in an eatery and most of the passengers were getting off the bus which made me panic. There was no pier in sight. I asked a passenger by the door "Saan po papuntang Camiguin?" Dazzled, shocked, stunned, the man answered after catching his breath "DUUN!" while trying to avoid my eyes (in this region, conversing in Tagalog with a local is worse than asking someone if he/she is still a virgin). Trusting my instincts, I rode a Motorela (hybrid of a jeepney and a tricycle) to the pier.

It was 1.15 pm. The boat (RORO) to Benoni pier in Camiguin was ready to go sail. I settled at the boat's third deck and enjoyed "the life". At that moment, it was pure bliss. I did not want it to end. At least at that time, I was back to my old self------ grateful, content, and carefree. TOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!! Back to real life. The boat docked and introduced me to the island of Camiguin. This was where the adventure officially began.

I did not know where to go. I just knew that I needed an affordable place to stay. After some bargaining with a local motorcycle driver, Manong Tangga, he toured me to some resorts. All the time during the motorcycle ride (without helmet...tsk, tsk, tsk... very risky), Manong Tangga tried to keep a conversation... in Bisaya. I understood most of it with my half-baked knowledge of the dialect but many times I had no idea what he was talking about and just noded like a stupid dog figurine on a taxi's dashboard. Unsurprisingly, like in any other province, the locals here seemed to know everyone else as they say "Hello, friend".

At 3.30, tired from the travel and itchy from all the dust, I desperately needed a room on my own (being the introvert that I am) and a cold refreshing shower. I checked-in at the Secret Cove Beach Resort in Yumbing, Mambajao. The beach was not as enticing as Bohol's but what the heck! I wasn't there to swim or make sandcastles. I nested in my room. It has one double bed, a stand fan, and its own toilet and bath. Whew! I ought to relax and 1 hour of cold shower did it for me. Dressed up with my own interpretation of a beach attire, I checked out the other amenities of the resort. They had scuba diving lessons but it came with a hefty price. Maybe next time. Where was the pool that the receptionist was talking about? She directed me upstairs. Weird!A pool at the second floor?! But when I got there, there was no pool, just cable tv, books, magazines, scrabble, billiard table, and darts. Then it came to me. Pool NOT swimming pool BUT a billiard table! Hehe ;-)

The rest of the afternoon was like a pictorial with the universe. But first I ate an egg sandwich from the resort's restaurant (I wanted to eat other than that but it was the cheapest). Using Ket's complex camera (dunno how to call it but I sure do want to buy one for myself), I photographed pretty much everything as if I was a pro. I waited for the sun to set. Indeed, it was worth the wait! Magnificent!

I went back to my room after the photo shoot. Reflected on my life.... "21 years..." Got bored so I looked for some excitement and the best that I could get was play pool with.... myself! "KRUM KRUM!" said my stomach. I headed for the in-house resto and ordered the grilled tanigue (you guessed it right! it was the cheapest at 160). I had a short chit-chat with the owner- Tom Solski, then, devoured the sumpty fish! YUMMY! I said to myself again, "This is life!"

The night was still young when I got back to my room. Again, I reflected on my life. Wrote down my dreams and ambitions (but now using a different perspective- as an adult). ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZ

...to be continued....

HTML... What's that again?

2004-09-28T16:33:00.000+08:00

These recent weeks i have been rediscovering the other features the net has to offer. Before, my net life was so boxed to checking my mail and Friendster. Thanks to the sites of jaja, anders, and aris. These sites inspired me to make my own website and express my "repressed" self through the web. I started with Lycos' tripod but the HTML thingie has yet to be processed by my techno-ignorant brain. So the birth of my current website thru the friendlier programs of Yahoo's Geocities and the dot tk.
Watchout for milben's domination! Hehe! ;-p